Liberation

I know He'll find me there

At just twenty-five, I barely have lived one-third of this weary life. And yet, the longing for the moment of death grows stronger inside!

The first ten years slipped by in arrogance and ignorance. The next ten were spent searching for love and making some sense. 

The only years that count are the last five- when the true essence of love and devotion began to seep into my tragic, unfulfilled life. 

A saint turned it all around, shattering my ego with his divine gaze, He gave my voice a unique textured sound.

I had only heard stories of people transforming into entirely new-beings. I was nowhere close to such grace, if not for my Swamiji. 

For so long, I feared Death, and believed it as my final call to hell. For the sins, the hurt, the pain I’d caused to everyone I met.

Today it so unfolds that- submerged in my grief-filled tears, crippled I lie on my bed. My insides screaming, unable to bear the agonising pain. Fragile my heart- on the verge of breaking, so I fold my arms and pray.

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I find myself alone in a void-like space, a white blinding light surrounding me from every side. I struggle to open my eyes, hurting but longing to find something- or someone. And then it hits me: the thing I feared most lies beside me. 

I know it’s Death’s arms I am in. 

From thin air, He appears- His presence gentle like moonlight. He bends to caress my head, and my tears flow like a river into his lap. 

He has come to save my soul, to guide me, even beyond the end.

“This is only the beginning”, He murmurs softly.
My heart overflows with joy unbound. He smiles, and in that moment I know- He’s my mother, my solace, my guru. I surrender my complete self. 

In the depths of Death, I find Him so near. 

“Prepare yourself”, He whispers, “for the beautiful journey ahead.”

Amazed, I ask, “Which journey, Swami?”

He smiles and leans closer, “The journey of the Liberated souls.”

I see Him- all that I have ever sought- My Vishnu. My Krishna. My divine mother. All merged in one. 

It dawns on me- I could not have reached here without Him. He has liberated me- me, a flawed, sinful, lost, unworthy being.

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It’s drizzling outside. I am back to my senses. 
But something within me has changed forever-
The fear of Death is gone.

I know He’ll find me there.
So I’ll embrace it when Death arrives.

Till then, till then…
I’ll try to make each day worthwhile.
I’ll strive, I’ll care.
I’ll love, I’ll be kind.

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Photo by Nahid Hatami on Unsplash

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